dating in middle age

[bourbonsamurai]

ive recently started dating again, after a decade out of the game.  the doctor is attractive, charming, and alas, married.  this will not end well for anybody, least of all me, so im ghosting this whole situation.  the other one is a hostess, 25 years younger than me.  this woman is stunningly, stop traffic hot, mean, cruel, and basically awesome in every way, lol.  when she first started flirting with me, i figured she wanted risotto, or pompano, or all the other normal reasons women chase cooks.  but come to find out, no, it seems like she thinks ive something to offer besides food.  i also think shes not used to men that arent easily manipulated.  ive gotten to know her a little, and shes not a completely narcissistic sociopath, which is refreshing and unusual.  but shes so relatively young, its a concern.  ive never really had a problem with women, my whole life, ive changed them out like socks.  that is, until i REALLY like, or love one back, then they destroy my life.  i may just tap out altogether.  im a workaholic, emotionally dead, misanthrope.  why pursue further misery?  anybody else been though similar midlife existential crises?  i figure if anybody can relate, its a bunch of similarly aged rock musicians.

[cvansickle]

I did the online dating thing for a few years after my divorce. I traveled almost every week for business at the time and wasn't meeting anybody in town. Some good and bad experiences along the way, and it seemed to reach a point where the bad was winning.

On the very day I was going to give up, I got a contact from a lady that looked very promising. I decided to give it one last try.

She's now my wife. Eight years and going strong!

It can happen.

My online dating story did have a happy ending. But some of the chapters along the way:

- I communicated with more than one woman who were married and were open about it. A couple of these were going through divorces and were already done with soon-to-be-ex. A couple were just keeping it together for their kids and/or financial reasons, but both spouses were dating other people. One had a deployed husband in the military who supposedly 'gave her permission' to play around while he was gone. I DID NOT make a date with any of these! I did date one woman a couple of times who I suspected was still married and was being secretive about it. When I had enough reasonable doubt I broke it off.

- I met a couple women who in person looked nothing like their pictures. NOTHING! One posted a picture of herself that portrayed her as total hotness, but when I met her in a pub she was at least twice the pictured weight. Judging by the hairstyle in the photo, I would say it was taken around 1994. I should have known. There was another woman online that I recognized from work. In her pictures, she knew how to master the selfie angle, exploiting makeup, hair and lighting to her every advantage. But all shots were from the neck up only. Maybe someday, somebody would find her to be a ton of fun...

- Lots lied about their ages. One claimed to be just a year older than me when we met, but confessed by evening's end that she was actually 10 years older. Makeup and hairspray apparently can work miracles! She was also into high kink and showed me the dungeon she kept in her home. There was a me-shaped hole in her door when I ran screaming from that one!

- The smokers who claimed they were 'trying to quit' always had no intention of doing so.

- The baby-daddy thing can have a reverse effect. There were a couple that refused to date me because I have a daughter from my first marriage. One that did go out with me became insanely jealous of my daughter because she visited every other weekend (they never met).

- And then there were the would-be scammers. There were a few that attempted the tactic of claiming to live nearby my city, but were visiting a sick aunt or somebody in another country. I learned that this is a well-known and highly documented scam throughout the Internet. These women look forward to meeting when they get back. As the return date approaches, suddenly they have no money to get back to the US and beg for wired money. Usually their pictures are stolen from other people's social media profiles. One site actually posted about this when the scammer got caught. I actually recognized her as a friend of a friend on Facebook, using the exact same profile picture.

- One woman actually pursued me for months before I agreed to meet her. After two dates, she tried to get me to join her multi-level marketing business. Dumped me when I said I wasn't interested.

- Perhaps the most common were the ones that weren't really sure why they went on a dating site, and after a couple of email exchanges would back off and/or disappear from the site. Probably lots of reasons for this besides just fear or nervousness. I heard from several women that men would contact them and ask for nude photos right away. This made it more difficult for nice guys like me to be taken seriously.

- Personalities came in all shapes and sizes too. One was a dead ringer for the Janice character from Friends, with the voice and laugh to match! Oh. My. GAWD!!! I met one that obviously never had a man hold a door for her. She went to the car next to mine because she saw I was heading for the passenger side door of my car first.

Hang in there, Cary!

[bourbonsamurai]

I did the online dating thing for a few years after my divorce. I traveled almost every week for business at the time and wasn't meeting anybody in town. Some good and bad experiences along the way, and it seemed to reach a point where the bad was winning.

On the very day I was going to give up, I got a contact from a lady that looked very promising. I decided to give it one last try.

She's now my wife. Eight years and going strong!

It can happen.

My online dating story did have a happy ending. But some of the chapters along the way:

- I communicated with more than one woman who were married and were open about it. A couple of these were going through divorces and were already done with soon-to-be-ex. A couple were just keeping it together for their kids and/or financial reasons, but both spouses were dating other people. One had a deployed husband in the military who supposedly 'gave her permission' to play around while he was gone. I DID NOT make a date with any of these! I did date one woman a couple of times who I suspected was still married and was being secretive about it. When I had enough reasonable doubt I broke it off.

- I met a couple women who in person looked nothing like their pictures. NOTHING! One posted a picture of herself that portrayed her as total hotness, but when I met her in a pub she was at least twice the pictured weight. Judging by the hairstyle in the photo, I would say it was taken around 1994. I should have known. There was another woman online that I recognized from work. In her pictures, she knew how to master the selfie angle, exploiting makeup, hair and lighting to her every advantage. But all shots were from the neck up only. Maybe someday, somebody would find her to be a ton of fun...

- Lots lied about their ages. One claimed to be just a year older than me when we met, but confessed by evening's end that she was actually 10 years older. Makeup and hairspray apparently can work miracles! She was also into high kink and showed me the dungeon she kept in her home. There was a me-shaped hole in her door when I ran screaming from that one!

- The smokers who claimed they were 'trying to quit' always had no intention of doing so.

- The baby-daddy thing can have a reverse effect. There were a couple that refused to date me because I have a daughter from my first marriage. One that did go out with me became insanely jealous of my daughter because she visited every other weekend (they never met).

- And then there were the would-be scammers. There were a few that attempted the tactic of claiming to live nearby my city, but were visiting a sick aunt or somebody in another country. I learned that this is a well-known and highly documented scam throughout the Internet. These women look forward to meeting when they get back. As the return date approaches, suddenly they have no money to get back to the US and beg for wired money. Usually their pictures are stolen from other people's social media profiles. One site actually posted about this when the scammer got caught. I actually recognized her as a friend of a friend on Facebook, using the exact same profile picture.

- One woman actually pursued me for months before I agreed to meet her. After two dates, she tried to get me to join her multi-level marketing business. Dumped me when I said I wasn't interested.

- Perhaps the most common were the ones that weren't really sure why they went on a dating site, and after a couple of email exchanges would back off and/or disappear from the site. Probably lots of reasons for this besides just fear or nervousness. I heard from several women that men would contact them and ask for nude photos right away. This made it more difficult for nice guys like me to be taken seriously.

- Personalities came in all shapes and sizes too. One was a dead ringer for the Janice character from Friends, with the voice and laugh to match! Oh. My. GAWD!!! I met one that obviously never had a man hold a door for her. She went to the car next to mine because she saw I was heading for the passenger side door of my car first.

Hang in there, Cary!

 

im already significantly discouraged.  i only asked the doctor out because she mentioned how single she was enough times, i believed her.  ill cop to a certain suspicion as to why a doctor would be interested in a line cook, but whatever, i guess im not surprised.  the thing is, im mainly interested in friendship, which is hard enough to find, under normal circumstances.  ad the bar and restaurant business as a complicating factor, and its not good.  your described experiences are illuminating, though.

[Dinosaur David B]

I did the online dating thing for a few years after my divorce. I traveled almost every week for business at the time and wasn't meeting anybody in town. Some good and bad experiences along the way, and it seemed to reach a point where the bad was winning.

 

I met my first wife through the pre-internet equivalent of online dating (because I wasn't meeting anyone either), and she was the cream of that sorry crop of the women I dated at that time of my life. Stayed with her 14 years. 
 

Of course, I met my second wife here! 
 
Probably should have left the first one long before I did, but if I had, the timing probably wouldn't have worked out for Amy and me.  Life's very weird. 
 
 

[Dinosaur David B]

 i may just tap out altogether.  im a workaholic, emotionally dead, misanthrope.  why pursue further misery?  anybody else been though similar midlife existential crises?  i figure if anybody can relate, its a bunch of similarly aged rock musicians.



 

Not that you asked for advice, but as you brought it up: Why not just try and keep it light and casual? 

Sounds to me (for some time now) that you're still really mission-focussed on your career. That's your commitment at this phase of your life -- not some woman. There's nothing wrong with that. Sounds like this is a time in your life were you should just date women. 

In your shoes, I'd be as upfront and honest about that as possible with any woman. That is: Happy to spend time with you, but I'm not looking for a committed relationship at this time. Right now my career comes first. 

I know it doesn't always work out as neatly as that. Some people think they can handle the casual thing, but can't. Sometimes, people's feelings can change (maybe even yours). But if it starts feeling heavy, and you want to bail, at least you made yourself clear from the start.