Updating my crazy last year. Work, mental health, dating, singing.

[eduardoritos]

Hi, friends,

I'm thinking on that email since a while, and it will long, I think. I'll try doing it stand up comedy style :-D

november 11, 2024, I was on my office, not the usual one, but the one on a little town, where I'm going volunteers to help my boss and coleagues finding off days.

Well, as many public worker know, people is angry, frustrated and they need somebody to blame, and that day, 4 people decided I was the bad guy, and starte to yeal at me about my bad attitud, incompetence and all.
One of them accussed me (out of angryness and wanting to win the discussion) of not being the actual worker but some fake or whaterever.
I've stopped this tellin him I was to phone police, take a report on him and go home (it was 9h AM only, good starter for a morning).

The "fun" part was when my boss, after my "harassment report", while my hand where still trembling, called and, laughing, she told me to take a wine instead of caffe on my pause. 

So, since 12/11/2024, I'm off work because mental issues. Long vacances, 100% of salary; it's good being european, and gov's worker.


So, because now I'm living 1 minute next to my father, I'be been with him a lot and during the two first month of non working, we talked a lot about my fathers life and I recognised him as a TDAH boy, and, suddendly, I realized... "those things, I've been on that to, every one of these things".

So I've started the process to a full TDA diagnose and, after a while, while reading a page on a journal about Authism, I recognized that I've passed by many of the cases that where listed on the paper. 
When I was young (and long after) autists were that people whou couldn't express or move properly, who did speak on grounchs or some kind or weirdness.

But now, the Autist Spectre is open to a divergent mind, with different kind of thinking and operating, on different degrees of depth inside themselves.

Many times in my life I've listened to "you seem autistic" or something similar, because I was always reading comincs, books, drawing, inside my own speaking to nobody... 

When I first watched the Sheldon Cooper character, I was inmediatly identified with him (knowing that I'm not so weird); but not only me, but many people told me that since.

The last 5 months I'm reading a lot about ADHD and Aut, and now, I know that since my 16 I'm trying to mask it; I've learned to have full conversations, and to have an acceptable social image.

But this is a daily pain; but this is exhausting. Since my boss decided that she needed me to work with the public (I was operating the phone and email, only), I have a month or more of medical leave; I always thought it was stress, but now, I know it's my brain that can't accept that kind of pressure everyday; haundred of people each day, entering our office, talking aloud, ringing phones, ... I can't help but listen to my co-workers conversations and, being the more experienced, it's inevitable to me to detect their wrongs and feeling the need to help them, sometimes for the bad, because some people don't thank for this.

I was alredy suffered mobbing from my boss when I asked her to return to my previous job "inside".

So now, I'm waiting to my psiquiatrist for a full process of diagnosis to ADHD and Aut.
I think I have the risk of not being diagnosed, because meds have some kind of suspicious after too many people asking for this. But I think it's understable that, now, with the big amount of info on the net, many people, like me, have discovered that we're not weird, we have nothing wrong, we're only neurodivergent, and we need to accomodate our enviroment to us, like blind people, or people on wheelchairs or...

I think I'll have a difficult journey on this, but it's a big relief knowing this about myself. Now, it's like watching my whole life from above, like a spirit, and seeing the boy walking the street while reading a comic, the guy bored while other were crazy playing card games. Sometimes, when at big parties -still now-, I go to the toilet, only to be alone, eyeclosed, speaking to nobody, by 15 minutes or so, because so much people talking it very hard to bear.

My way of learning things, magic sometimes, sometimes a slab; I can't follow a program, but I've learned by myself guitar, music, typing, english, programing (when I needed something); I'm the best at my job, because I can connect things on my mind and discover answers when others are still searching for questions, but, again, they're those moments of paralysis, when you want to start something but you can't, or when you search for excuses only to rest at home. When you're afraid of talking to somebody, because you're affraid of talking to much, and you return home thinking "I'm stupid", and that's for 3 days.
When you recall things from years ago and these hurt like recent things.

At least, I've managed to have a decent life (job, apparment, no debts...), not falling on drugs, gambling or other ussual things for that different people.


And one thing goes to another, while I'm home, my office hired some new people, and because I'm not working with them, I dont' feel yet that they're my co-workers; so... I meet that girl, with whom I have a date to eat today.

And my ask is... When you know you're dating?

Because the first day was de by by party to a colleague who quits the job. Everybody was gone and we stay dancing many hours. It was kind of a sensation before the rest left us, but who knows?

Next week, she called me to join her and go the the tanatory, because another co-worker's father just passed. But inmediately she proposed to stay and dinne. Yeah, nice evening, with the best excuse in my life to date.

And, three days after, I dare to tell her to go and eat after she leaves the office, and she said yes.

So... are we dating, or it's too soon to know?.

The thing is that she's a 37 years old baby, blond heared blue eyed chick, with a scotish family name. Maybe you know the B. Of Lydonn B. Johnson stands for Baines, because they're family, from the Roncal Valley (Lyndon B. Johnson was from a Navarrian family, so she is, they're parents :mrgreen: ).
And me, I'm a 54 old guy with nothing special (to me eyes).

Well, I'm affraid of crashing and having to work with her in some weeks, but again, I don't know if we're even dating, so after my stupid brain thing, I can't identify feelings on other people.

Well, and finally, I assume you all know my new album thing, and my possition as singer on the band. Very demanding but satisfaying, even not liking my voice. I have to work hard on this.

[Dinosaur David B]

Sorry to hear you've had to struggle with all that. My first thought is how have you managed being in bands? That alone would test anyone's limits. 

As for the woman. Yeah, there's an age difference, but at 37, she's not a kid. Don't worry about that. She's old enough to see and understand that herself.  Take it slow. Be honest and open. You'll figure it out.

Good luck!

I posted the new album on the DRG FB page. 

[eduardoritos]

Being in bands is hard, yes, but when things work It's fantastic. 

Thx for posting the album. 

[Bent out of shape]

thanks for sharing so honestly Eduardo,  a lot to deal with but as you say lots of positives too.  I can identify with some of this, perhaps that's what drives us to obsess about the guitar and other things.

Good luck with the date! let us know how it goes!

[eduardoritos]

thanks for sharing so honestly Eduardo,  a lot to deal with but as you say lots of positives too.  I can identify with some of this, perhaps that's what drives us to obsess about the guitar and other things.

Good luck with the date! let us know how it goes!

 

Yeah, as soon as i have something new. 

[Dr Nick]

Oh buddy I totally feel for you. 

I have a number of friends who've been diagnosed with ASD and/or ADHD in their 30's and 40's, after years of struggling with life, work, relationships etc. 

Not all of them need medication, just having a diagnosis confirmed makes a big difference. Each one is an individual, you can't generallise. 

My son has ASD with ADHD traits, and is on long-term antidepressants not because he's depressed, but they almost act as an emotional compressor (guitar had to get in there somewhere!). He can get profoundly low, and quite hyper. The meds keep him more in the middle, and he's far better off that way. 

Whereas a friend in his 50's has never needed meds, has ASD, but has worked out ways of managing emotion and so on through mental exercises and other things. 

And as for bands - it's my drummer son. He's never happier than when he's gigging or touring. Completely slips into the role of a pro musician. 

Funny old world. 

[eduardoritos]

Oh buddy I totally feel for you. 

I have a number of friends who've been diagnosed with ASD and/or ADHD in their 30's and 40's, after years of struggling with life, work, relationships etc. 

Not all of them need medication, just having a diagnosis confirmed makes a big difference. Each one is an individual, you can't generallise. 

My son has ASD with ADHD traits, and is on long-term antidepressants not because he's depressed, but they almost act as an emotional compressor (guitar had to get in there somewhere!). He can get profoundly low, and quite hyper. The meds keep him more in the middle, and he's far better off that way. 

Whereas a friend in his 50's has never needed meds, has ASD, but has worked out ways of managing emotion and so on through mental exercises and other things. 

And as for bands - it's my drummer son. He's never happier than when he's gigging or touring. Completely slips into the role of a pro musician. 

Funny old world. 

 

I'll try having a job accommodation by the mes service au work. 
if necessary, i don't reject having medication. 

We'll see, but I thing it will go better for me.